:|...............................................................|:
 :|......dMMMMMMb.................................................|:
 :|.....dMP...VMP.dMMMMMP.dMP dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP..aMMMb..|:
 :|....dMP...dMP.dMP.....dMP dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP..|:
 :|...dMP...dMP.dMMMP...dMP dMP.dMP.dMP.dMMMK...dMMMMMP.dMMMMMP...|:
 :|..dMP...aMP.dMP......YMvAP".dMP.aMP.dMP"AMF.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP....|:
 :|.dMMMMMMP".dMMMMMP....VP"...VMMMP".dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.dMP.....|:
 :|...............................................................|:
 :|...............................................................|:

: write-ups : links : short stories : poetry :

30 May 2003

:: Popebitch ::

Falling asleep whilst drunk on nightbuses is becoming a shamefully regular occurance. Somehow I ended up in a bus depot in Grove Park at 3 o'clock this morning after a night of margarita madness and mysteriously managed to add the number 3.++429800000.02 to my phone. Today my pee looks like lucozade and I've been wanting to go home and fall asleep in the sun since I got to work. I'm obviously in no fit state to grace these pages with wit and bitchery, so have a look at this pic of the Pope bashing his bishop to some steamy internet pr0n:

...in the name of the Father... the Son... and... ergh! Anyone got a spare cassock to wipe this up with?

Ah... that's better. I'd better quit while I'm ahead, so I'm going off to the garage to get an ice-cream... do you want anything? I hear there's a new summer drink - go on try it. It's very refreshing...

Just take a couple of sips, my dear. Then I'm going to ram you with my man meat.

29 May 2003

:: Overspill and Feedback ::

As I'm a bit short of time and want to leave the sleepy, stuffy office on time to drink booze in the sun go home and water the garden, this is just going to be a mélange of crap I couldn't fit in yesterday and a few amusing items of feedback from previous posts. I offer my sincerest apologies - coupled with the hollow pledge of doing something more creative and worthwhile. Talking of which, Taxloss has been regularly updated by Red Rum, whose photoshop-jobs par excellence are exhibited here.

In the course of my work I trawl through numerous lacklustre corporate websites. The scant recompense I get for this is the occasional discovery of an unintentionally hilarious gem. Two of these have recently crossed my cyber path:
• Perhaps I'm suffering from premature Dirty-Old-Man syndrome, but am I the only one that finds this kind of innovation amusing? Oh willy! poo! bum! fart-pants! Lube-for-life! ...I think I've got sun-stroke already.
• This one is actually much more amusing. For those of us on the eye out for Corporate Bollox©, company name rebranding has long been a source of snide pleasure. What with Philip Morris changing their name to Altria (which is nothing to do with distancing their tobacco operations from Kraft Foods, their other subsidiary, you understand) and numerous faux-Latin corporations springing up everywhere, even the smallest firm feels obliged to hop on the neologism band-waggon:

"On May 9, 2000, the shareholders of Windmere-Durable Holdings, Inc. voted to change the Company's name to Applica Incorporated. The word "Applica" is derived from the English word "appliance" and the Latin word "plicare." An "appliance" is a device or instrument, especially one operated by electricity and designed for household use. The word "plicare" means to fold into one unified whole.
The design, development and marketing of home appliances is the primary business of the Company, which has been continually strengthened by the folding together of business units and operating philosophies."


I should note at this point that my local Council Tax retrieval firm revels in the name Liberata. In fact, I'm thinking of making a Corporate Renaming Mix 'n' Match set, with bits of company names on separate cards to be put together to make new corporate entities. We could have these for starters:
ALT(R)- | SPAC- | -ULUM | FREE- | FREN- | CNUT- | -IA | -VIEW | LAB- |

As far as games and language are concerned, I was recently sent this vaguely droll guide to bar sign language. Think I'm becoming quite adept at it now... *waves hand, resting thumb on chin*
However, the supreme exemplar of bodily semiotics is trouser semaphore from that bastion of sartorial eloquence, The Chap. Watch out for the animated section, demonstrating the technique at speed. If only they also had an illustrated version of the "Language of the Pipe"...

Feedback has been streaming towards me from all corners of the interweb on a number of recently discussed issues. Some Russians seriously believed "medical advice" that vodka protects against SARS. the result, not surprisingly was severe alcohol poisoning, the symptoms of which, ironically enough, resembled those of the virus itself.
As I hinted yesterday, the BBC have now decided to pull their new BBC1 trailer in the face of complaints from concerned viewers.

Before I go, a piece of timely news (today is Ascension Day, in case your Ecclesiastical Calendar has slipped). Apparently Jesus was a raving homosexualist - and this proves it:

"Dr McCleary said Uranus figured prominently in Jesus's astrological chart, as it did with many gays."

28 May 2003

:: Belated Eurovisual Hell ::

Yesterday was a bit of a mare at work. I got back after the bank holiday to find that some arse had overwritten parts of a database and eradicated 3 days' work. Perhaps they should hire people from here to work at my firm. Highly un-PC, I know, but I'm sure they'd do a better job than some of the mongs I work with. Add to that a period of frantic retrieval from Friday's archived files and a two and three-quarter hour sales presentation and all my time at the office flew by (not necessarily a bad thing). I left work exhausted, irritated and exasperated at blogger's refusal to upload my meagre offerings.

The net result of this fiasco is a feast of (slightly overripe) links to whet the palate - that eagerly awaited (boy, am I flattering myself today) concoction of news, views and ritual abuse.

On the :: Home Front ::, the good news is that granny's visit passed off without mishap (although I spent the latter part of the day dying for a fag). Consolidating the recent Alan Titchmarsh style assault on the garden, I've now planted spinach, potatoes and beans and readied the patio for a barbecue. My compost heap is overflowing - oh, I think I may have stumbled across a new euphemism there. Prize for the best explanation...

As far as the :: PopTart :: section is concerned, it would be difficult to avoid mentioning the UK's disasterous/hysterical performance at Eurovision. Here's a lovely picture of Jemini to make the mouth water:

I need a love that's strong and tough | Someone to hold me when things get rough

Actually, it seems to be Chris Cromby's eyes that are watering in this picture. Perhaps he's going for recognition in Viz's Rear Entry competition. On a more serious front, I found it interesting that all the top three entries this year were not elected via a voting system in their respective countries. If we want to win this dubious musical honour, we should scrap the Song For Europe and have a surprise entry chosen by a cabal consisting of Terry Wogan, Brian Sewell, Bernard Cribbins, Maureen Lipman and Dame Judy Dench. The pop charts demonstrate that singles buyers now have an average age of 9 and that the bland over-produced TV Talent/Karaoke shows have poisoned us with their fecal outpourings. At least the oom-pah Austrian entry had stuffed animals on stage...

In what is becoming a regular feature, the :: Outrage at Prudes and Boneheads :: spews its usual gutful of invective: scoffing at clueless Americans (who better to do this than Stephen Fry?). It has also been brought to my attention that the fantastic posters for Six Feet Under have been banned following complaints. Both Ananova and the Beeb picked up on this, which is pertinent given the rumours today that the BBC1 has been forced to withdraw its latest ident/advert. It features a woman hanging over a cliff. If you haven't seen it you probably won't get to now...

And now, specially for Hypatia, a picture of some revels (for my comment on her recent predicament, roll your cursor over the image):

If you only want Malteasers in a pack of Revels, then buy a pack of fucking Malteasers...

In the :: America is Actually Quite Scary :: section, I reveal that Bush's administration veers ever closer to the Nazi paradigm. Also McDonald's is planning to sue an Italian food critic for criticising their (abject) food. And once again I was reminded that people have some pretty strange ideas about the best way to fuck up their children. I imagine naming the poor mite Kakinston or Mykynzie would be a big boost to his/her confidence.

The :: And Hilarity Ensues :: section is propped up by the sub's headline opportunity of a lifetime: when a bull invaded a china shop (sort of). And also by the knowledge that whatever they're selling, only the Japanese can be this "creative". My funny bone was also tickled when I discovered this colonic irrigation site (only amusing with sound).

Oh fuck it, I need to get home and go to a rehearsal. Expect the dregs of today's would-be post with tomorrow's mug of arsenic-laced pop-purée...

23 May 2003

:: Folk Off and Die... ::

Nearly weekend time again. I'm going home to tidy the house before the royal visit tomorrow (Granny's coming to play the piano of course). But I might fit in a sneaky pint beforehand. Unfortunately that tactic got me into trouble last night as one pint turned into five and I got back at 9.45, then fell asleep in front of the TV. So much for "getting the hoovering done".

Fortunately I did manage to use my lunch hour productively, though, as I headed into town to buy a penny whistle. I should point out that I'm not planning to join the South London Ceiladh Society, but will be playing it on stage during Twelfth Night. Not being a folk-music aficianado (or a fan for that matter) of folk music, I was a little nervous about setting my foot in Hobgoblin Music, "Britain's First Choice for Folk". Against all expectations the shop assistant didn't resemble a cross between David Bellamy and Ricky Tomlinson and only had a modicum of (very well groomed) facial hair. Actually he was quite fit and very helpful, and I bought one of these:

folk me, then eat me...


Carrying on the live music theme, I notice NY musicians have been taking advantage of new byelaws, allowing them to busk on the Subway. It turns out some of them are banker types who lost their jobs in the downturn after September 11th. Thus they can follow in the footsteps of their British compadres, who have also recently been allowed to busk legally for the first time on the Tube.

Still on the theme of music and performance, after months of speculation, it has emerged that the Russian TV programme Prison Idol will go ahead. Convicts will compete for a recording contract - and their freedom. This reminds me of a Latin American gameshow last year in which the top prize was... a job. Has TV exploitation gone to far, I ask myself? Probably, but like the rest of the population, I'll watch it when I'm drunk anyway (my routine excuse for watching - and subsequently getting hooked by - Big Brother).

The media have already succumbed to a mini bank holiday silly season, with the news that a New Zealand MP is to take his carburettor into parliament and that in Eccles, a rabbit hutch was issued with a parking ticket.

Right - before I head off to the pub for a boozy evening home to vaccuum the house, two mini items: a surprisingly hard "art or crap" quiz mentioned in the b3ta newsletter - I did very badly, despite claiming to know something about art. I implore you all to join this campaign to ban Comic Sans, the scourge of many a typographer ("It's so whimsical! And it shows my sense of light-hearted humour!" - piss off you unoriginal HR people everywhere. And my Mum).

Back on Tuesday - enjoy the Monday morning lie-in...

22 May 2003

:: Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out... ::

Thus spake my mother after my surruptitious forays to the biscuit tin were given away by the crumbs in my bedroom. I was only 8, but some people's misdemeanours are just as easily found out. Mingebeasts from the Planet Munt (aka the Mirror's 3am Girls) have been up to their old tricks again. Following several embarrassments at the hands of Popbitch, whose spurious stories were reprinted verbatim in the 3am Column, the notoriously lazy paragons of hackdom have again elicited squeals of derision from PB regulars. Their description of last night's London premier of The Matrix Reloaded bore a startling resemblence to the foaming carpet fiasco at last year's BAFTAs. Perhaps in their excitement at seeing Keanu Reeves, the girls hadn't noticed the customary red carpet was replaced by a special black one. Or may be they just weren't there. This prompted the following reaction from a PB poster who had attended the event:

3am Girls' version of Matrix Premiere.

Do they actually go to the things they write about, ever? The carpet was black, there was minimal foam, and Keanu spent at least ten minutes signing autographs.

Still on the subject of this week's big film release, I was amused to read this piece of twaddle about philosophical issues raised in The Matrix Reloaded. Other commentators seem to be divided as to whether the film is a comic-book style special effects fest let down by a weak plot, or if there really is more behind it all. I have yet to see the film, so couldn't possibly comment...

A b3ta break to relieve us from such deep musings: it's B.A. Maracas!

I pity the foo', dat don't shake dem hips...

Three quick items to brighten up your day:
• As if I wasn't apprehensive enough about my impending trip to Russia (see yesterday - chemicals and all that), I read this which reveals disturbing Russian attitudes towards S&M - or crime prevention - I can't decide which.
• Gifting the headline Pigs Might Fly to hacks everywhere, American airport authorities have lifted restrictions for carrying domestic animals. So long as they're in first class...
• Red Rum has finally decided to join us in cyber heaven. His site, Taxloss, promises to be "Tough on blog, tough on the causes of blog". I await further developments with relish.

A final delve into the b3ta bran-tub:

furtive, the dozy lurker...

21 May 2003

:: Mafia - Russian and Gay Varieties ::

Not much happening in the past 24 hours. Against my better judgement, I got hauled along to a rehearsed reading of Brecht's Mother Courage and Her Children. It's a play I wouldn't mind being in at some point, not now: at the moment, I just need a bit of drama detox. Oh, and tonight promises more gallavanting in the name of Twelfth Night...

On the Russian front, plans are going well for the trip to St Petersburg. Have been in contact with my friend Pasha out there, and will also try to meet up with a mate who now works for The St Petersburg Times. I was interested to read about Putin's measures to ensure good weather during the 300th anniversary of the city. I'm just a bit suspicious about the unnamed "chemicals". Another great piece of (Russian) programming popped up on my radar today: the ultimate photofit will enable you to create the likeness of your favourite Petersburg mafia boss - or your Mum.

The next item is not really new. Yesterday, the Scum offered 50 grand to the first boy-girl couple to fuck on Big Brother. The coy reference to the couple's necessary straightness in order to claim the prize highlights the latent homophobia still lurking between the sheets of Rebekah Wade's grubby snotrag - and by implication, the same attitude in society at large. Gareth McLean's article from today's Guardian dissects this issue admirably.

Contrary to popular assertions of openness and tolerance, there is still far to go where mass perceptions of sexuality are concerned. Our openly gay celebs are the same stereotypes of old: luvvies and pantomime dames, emasculated by their very campness. Brian Dowling and Graham Norton may have become household names with an adoring audience across the spectrums of age and class, but the thought of having sex with either of these trumped up queens turns my stomach. Give me a man any day...

As if I haven't sufficiently alienated the gay audience (this is nearly as funny as Jews telling anti-semitic jokes), I'm going to protest at the forthcoming release of a "dance track" by gak-fuelled scouse has-bint Cilla Black. Granted, my description of her might be a little harsh, but her voice was bad enough on Surprise, Surprise! and can't have got better in the intervening decade. Did your dead husband tell you to do this too?

Bitch, bitch, bitch, eh? I'll be back with pics galore and a little less of the battery acid tomorrow...

20 May 2003

:: Working 9 to 5... ::

Back in the office today after the am-dram fest of the weekend. For your information, the header refers to the Dolly Parton song for the film of the same name. This, together with Elton John's Your Song, has been floating round on my Internal Jukebox all day, much to my irritation.

Thanks to my involvement in another play, I'm not suffering from the usual post-production hiatus; it's just going to be a big shift from slimy, sleazy investment banker to Shakespearean jester. Big thanks to all the people who came to see me strut my stuff: including my Mum, Tigger, Popsicle and Dobson. Your support was much appreciated.

Having taken yesterday off to do all the things I should have done at home when I was rehearsing over the past 2 weeks (washing, cleaning, gardening), I discovered my inbox brimming with web goodies to share. So here, in no particular order are a few of the juiciest morsels. To start us off, the obligatory b3ta pilferage:

X-rays reveal original, slightly less flattering pencil sketches under the Mona Lisa

Today's bijou featurette is on that bête noire of internet users worldwide: the family website. I've always thought it perfectly reasonable to set up a site for creative purposes - for writing, photography, webdesign. But why on earth do people feel the urge to share the mundanities of their daily lives on websites no-one looks at? Everyone who uses the net regularly has come across badly written, cringeworthy examples in the genre, which artlessly tell of the Richardson's caravanning trip to Wales or promise pictures of little Jamie's infected toenail.

Whilst I wouldn't be cruel enough to post a link to my boss's site, which certainly verges on the dull end of the spectrum ("look at the pictures of our wedding in Croatia"), I'm happy to provide two other examples here, notable for the weirdness of their authors and the frankness of their respective biographies. This site is distinguished only by the odd mug shots and the pervading air of geekdom on the front page. A quick read of this, confirms that all may not be well in the Gunn household. It is possibly the most spectacular first line to a web page I have ever read. I found this site (almost) inexplicably funny. Sadly as it's a yahoo hosted site with severely restricted bandwidth allowances, it's not always visible.

For my more puerile (why do people always spell that word wrongly?) perusers, a job ad in the Viz mould.

And my favourite PB post from today:



Kathy Burke

was invited by Liza Minnelli to her husband Davids 50th party (it didnt say 50th what; Im assuming facelift). She said no (having never met them before). The RSVP slip had 2 boxes to tick. The first read "I accept with pleasure". The second read "I decline with regret". How fucking camp?? The invite had a photo of the 2 of them holding hands, airbrushed to within an inch of their lives. this is how I imagine Posh n Becks in 70 years.
godzilla, 9:17 20/5

The Lord help us...

16 May 2003

:: Subscriptions and mailouts... ::

Quick Report from last night: Plunderdelica at the ICA was ace. Met loads of new friends, bopped my socks off and gawped at the miraculous bootleg-interface software for real-time boot-DJing. Can't wait to get my hands on that. Also saw some awesome VJing stuff and am now greatly looking forward to going to SoxaN, an "Audio-Visual Club" on 7th June...

Serious bit: It struck me today that I've signed up/subscribed to a huge number of regular emails and mailouts. From the obligatory Popbitch, to listings for the Prince Charles Cinema and other cultural hotspots. Some I bin immediately (The Bookseller is invariably tedious in the extreme), but have learnt not to bother unsubscribing. Auto-delete filters are much less hassle. An interesting comparison is between sites which have a messageboard and/or daily content as well as weekly mailouts. b3ta seems to do rather well in this respect: regularly updated frontpage items mix with a "best of" secton from the very active messageboards. Of course there a fair amount of crap to wade through and the necessity of learning a new language. Where would I be without Woo, Yay, Houpla! and Hummus and Spong? Generally I find many of the links and the general feel of the site endearing, and shot through with occasional moments of Photoshop brilliance. Their Friday mailout is almost always a titter-fest of the surreal, the smutty and the geeky. Here's an example of a fantastic and absorbing mailout item (clicky for linky etc etc):

click to play PASTAROIDS!

Those who find that last item a little serious should have a look at this. You'll need sound to appreciate it - look out for Oscar Wilde playing the pink oboe...

And so, to Popbitch. A typical post from today:



i was in croydon and i noticed that oasis have bought a shop

but it doesnt sell guitars and groupies like you would think but actually clothes for ladies maybe this means the band are secretly double dressers i thought i would ask them so i got the lady on the counter to fetch the manager who would obviously be one of the band it was liam though he had tried to hide from stalkers by having it say lianne on his badge and he was wearing a ladies clothes and make up i asked him how long he had been dressing like a lady but he looked confused so i did some of his trademarks to him like doing a v sign and saying fook off but he was not impressed and asked me to leave the shop i still needed to get some gossip so i thought i would find out what his fake breasts were made out of ie was it bags of cocaine or something i squeezed them but he hit me and then the police came does this happen to the rest of you when you go looking for gossip for your thursday letter or is it just me
captain_gossip, 14:54 16/5

Oh dear, PB has really gone to the dogs (as if it hadn't before). Whilst everyone moans about how it wasn't what it used to be, Popbitch's bastard child, Liphook, is populated by most of the same characters. A decided lack of pop and bitch gossip pervades on both, with liberal sprinkings of self-congratulation and past-it in-jokes. The mailout is what it's all about these days.

So (rather obvious) devukha awards for best mailouts:

Comedy/geekdom - b3ta
Comedy/gossip (though slipping fast ) - Popbitch
Current Affairs - Bitter Lemons for excellent coverage of Israeli-Palestinian issues and a laudable overriding mission to canvass the widest range of opinion possible.
Jobs - still the Grauniad

Rusty-Spoon-To-Gouge-Out-Eyes Award for consistent irrelevance, innaccuracy, requirement of exorbitant subscription fee - Evening Standard

15 May 2003

:: Boredom Bites and Booty Calls ::

Well, things haven't gone much better at work today. Boredom and the looming spectre of my boss over my right shoulder, have induced a strange culture of quick sneaky peeks at the interweb and Alt + Shift flicks back to the job in hand: a mind-numbing round of spell-checks and verifying names in a directory (only 28000 or so records in the database to check...). However, havin slept much better last night, at least I can avoid the falling-asleep-at-my-desk peril which has threatened to land me in the shit several times in the past few days.

My usual sources of distraction (Popbitch, b3ta, popjustice et al) have all been a bit quiet so this is the best I can come up with:

Fucking turtles...

Erm... yes. Oh, and some guy has been trying to auction off his annoying girlfriend on eBay. I'm surprised as many as 67 people have bothered to bid, given his description of the item for sale. I suspect most of the bidders are real jokers...

Another thing is this lovely b3tan photoshop jobby, combining everybody's favourite moaning chainsmoking 'Enders bint with the original badboy of punk:

Lawks-a-mercy... it's Dot Rotten!

I'm off for another bootleg night with Tigger this evening. Might have a quick peek at this on the way though...

14 May 2003

:: Dear Devukha... ::

Slept really badly after long and involved conversation with GawainJ about why he seems to be having mixed success with the ladies. Typical comments from him - with my responses:

"I just don't understand why girls won't say what they mean."
Perhaps you don't understand what they mean when they say something.

"I want to have a relationship where we see each other for sex from time to time, but nothing too serious"
Not many girls are happy with the Carrie Bradshaw-style fuck-buddy scenario - especially if the man is entirely in control of it.

"Things were different with xxxx. I really fancied her, thought about her all the time, saw her non-stop for three days and showered her with gifts. Then when I came back after 3 days' touring in Vienna, she said she didn't want to see me any more."
Maybe you came on too strong and scared the shit out of her...

I think you get the picture. Are my responses fair? I don't know, but I'm not too comfortable with being an agony uncle (particularly when it all seems so straightforward - has GawainJ never realised what went wrong before? Or ever questioned his actions in previous situations?).

Disgruntled I went off to bed to read Russia and the Russians, couldn't get to sleep for ages and woke up with a very stiff neck. The bathroom was in constant use from when I got up till the point where I had to leave, so i didn't even get a chance to wash (thank god I keep my toothbrush in a toilet bag in my room).

Perhaps a b3ta pic will make everything feel better...

Old, but gold... and no 'shopping this time!

And last minute news. Another of my friends has got engaged... what is going on? I've only just been to Little Timmy and PD's wedding. Think I'm going to start rationing "wedded bliss" to one couple a year. Anyone else will have to be exterminated.

13 May 2003

:: Party Hats & Sticky Wickets ::

Although the weekend was inevitably dominated by rehearsals for The Way We Live (See entries for May 17th and 18th), my social whirl was not markedly affected. In fact I went to three parties - and turned up late for every one.

As I trotted through Peckham in a suit (play costume) on Saturday afternoon, I was getting slightly agitated by the number of stares from passers-by. Had I committed some Hypatia-style indiscretion?! Was I, too, displaying underwear in public? A discreet check proved that I wasn't flying low. As I obviously wasn't on my way to or from a wedding, people must have thought I was a bailiff or something. Or aren't I allowed to say that kind of thing? *Political Correctness gone mad* - oh dear, that website makes me feel sick - nearly as bad as the queer-bashing one in the last post ("click on Matthew to hear him scream in hell")...

I rushed home, got changed and headed to Little Timmy's for the first barbecue of the weekend. I arrived to find some of the guests drunk or departing, but the wine I bought from Nicolas went down a storm with some of the survivors. Monsieur Est-Ouest was there with his Russian wife and his Mum who was over from France for a few days. There then followed an increasingly drunken tri-lingual conversation - a delightful way to practise language skills, but a bit of a head-fuck whilst munching on cold burgers and a stuffed pepper from the oven. Pikovaya Dama seemed more convinced of the barbecue's efficacy than last time, and we watched the sun go down as the lights flickered on at Canary Wharf.

Some time later I stumbled onto the DLR in an attempt to get to Bethnal Green. I managed to get to Bengal Bhaji's house ok, despite having only been there once before (also lamentably incapacitated). What happened there is mostly a whirl: I danced a lot, spoke to a few old friends and ended up accusing some mother of fucking stealing my travelcard. I presume the fact that it was handed to me some moments later was not a confession of guilt - merely an observation that it had dropped out of my back pocket as I jigged up and down. I also appear to have left my Quantic Soul Orchestra CD behind - which was a shame as I've only just bought it.

Time for a brief B&B intermission:


The next day brought good news and bad. I had managed to get home (on a couple of nightbuses). However, all indications were that an elephant had sat on my head and shat in my mouth. This - and a tardy homecoming - prevented my arousal before noon, and with a range of chores to be completed, I didn't get off to my next appointment till 3 o'clock. Not remembering to allow for lackadaisical Sunday bus and train services, I was a bit miffed to arrive at my destination (a little known school between Windsor and Slough) over 2 hours later, by which time, once again, the barbecue was finishing and sozzled guests were departing. Despite the lack of Madhur Jaffrey's finest flame grilled treats, a sizeable amount of food still remained, including a massive mound of dough, ready to be formed into Naan breads. I ate a piece of salmon which appeared to be raw, but nevertheless have not had unpleasant results.

After the vague disappointment of late arrival the previous day, I was gratified that my host, Siberian Tiger (who teaches athe aforementioned school), had been something of a trooper and the guests rallied round to prove they had rather more stamina than Little Timmy's. So as the hours progressed, Pimm's followed wine followed beer and a cricket match was proposed, with 6 players on each team. The chosen field for the match had not been mown for yorkers and this added spice to some reasonably speedy bowling. My shins still bear testament to our foolhardy decision to play with a hard ball without pads, but the pain was numbed by regular libations, in the form of shots of Pimms, taken round to all the players during the game. I was on the losing team, of course but that hardly seemed to matter. I made the last train to London with Popsicle and another friend (after a swift pint in the local), amused at the knowledge that I had fulfilled all possible rah stereotypes by playing cricket (and croquet!) on the fields of Eton.

And that was it for the weekend. Rehearsals are clogging up the schedules for the rest of the week, but I have a couple of musical offerings: first, a rather embarrassing faux pas by those anti-Napster killjoys. Look out for the "goodwill gesture" the RIAA offer the university professor... And this site give you an insight into musical anniversaries. I'm alarmed to discover that Mull of Kintyre was at number 1 on the day I was born...

09 May 2003

:: Fear and Loathing in South London ::

Only 8 days to go before the first performance of The Way We Live and I must admit I'm shitting myself. Whilst everyone else heads off to the pub this evening, I've got to put on my suit and go to a rehearsal...

Short and sweet is therefore a good way to describe today's post. I should apologise for not doing a write-up of Hypatia's party, but frankly I can't remember much of it due to inebriation. However, I did meet several of you, my "lucky" readers, and a self-asserting PB regular... wouldn't reveal his login though - spoilsport.

"Bashing" is the theme of today's links (I think you've probably guessed what directions we might be heading in here):

• Madge Bashing - fully deserved after her appalling comments about getting pished on half a pint of ale in the Dog & Duck in Soho.
• Queer Bashing - one of the best/worst websites on the net, by turns unintntionally hilarious and tragic. I pity these people. They certainly pity me (in a patronising Christian-fundamentalist way, of course)
• Kraut Bashing - Murdoch's dishrag's up to its usual tricks. Reminds of that bitch-article I wrote about Metro.
• Bishop Bashing - an obvious HEAD-line (geddit?) opportunity for the Brains Trust.
• Fasching Bashing - Fasching is a south German festival during Lent. It also rhymes with bashing...

I leave you with the news that the House of Lords is taking a while to "get with it". What a surprise.

Enjoy your weekend. I probably won't...

07 May 2003

:: Scraping The Bottom Of The Outbox Barrel (And Other Stories) ::

The final instalment from my email annals is this curious piece from some months back. I had obviously become obsessed by the regular Viz feature in which celebrities are snapped in positions which make it look like they're taking it up the wrong 'un. And by the news that the controversial director Calixto Bieito had caused outrage with scenes of simulated sex and drug taking in A Masked Ball and Don Giovanni at English National Opera.



ROH Ring Cycle Romp
  by Flid Squattley
Ooooooh!Toffee-nosed opera goers at the Royal Opera House last night were stunned by the hard-core action on stage. The back door antics were captured in this revealing shot sneaked by our under-tuxedo reporter in the front row. During the "climax" to the second act, all three were seen enjoying a cheeky tenor sandwich. Music Director of the ROH, Heironymous Fortesque-Smythe was "amazed" by the candid snap: "the last thing we want here is to promote an air of elitism. Opera is not merely the preserve of pooves and the upper classes."
We're not sure about the pooves sir, but teaching people to enjoy a quick one without being noticed is certainly a "public service". Perhaps it should be renamed "Covert Hard-on".

My regular round-up of links begins with this interesting article. It appears the White House Spin Machine has never been so brazen. Doubtless the impending Hollywood version will skip over some of the details explained here - any complaints regarding the accuracy of events depicted in that film should be reported to the excellent Movie Mistakes site (49 mistakes spotted so far in X-Men 2!). And if we needed any more proof that Dubya's cronies are not human, here's a picture of Donald Rumsfeld which proves he's a cyborg mutant. C'mon! Just look at the extended Inspector Gadget arm and the over-sized hand ready to swat any nearby dissenters...

Go, Gadget, Go!

In the now customary :: Bizarre Sex Story Of The Day :: section, we I present you with this touching tale. It's about a swan in Germany which has fallen in love with a swan-shaped pedalo boat. Regular PB readers will share my glee at the use of the penultimate word in the last sentence. The rest of you will have to consult the Urban Dictionary site where most of this popbitch-styled linguo-cack ends up (although I don't think that particular one has appeared yet). Cf. Belinda, GYAC, Flid, a2m etc. For a more serious resource examining the origins of common phrases and idioms, I would recommend this site.

If you're at work, don't read this last sentence: this game will distract you. Wait till the boss has a day off. If on the other hand, you happen to be in desperate need of distraction, set up your own blog. It's very easy, I promise. Just don't forget to link it to mine...

02 May 2003

:: bAsTaRd and More Clippings From The Cutting Room Floor (of my mailbox) ::

And plundering from b3ta as usual...

Ooooh, topical!

First up is a quick resumé of yesterday's activities. Running out of the office at 5.31pm, I headed to Charing Cross Road in hope of buying a tin whistle. The shop in question appeared to be closed in case of problems with May Day protesters, and I wondered if carrying a bag emblazoned with "Retail Therapy" past hoards of anti-capitalists was such a good idea. Fortunately I didn't get lynched as I made my way to Covent Garden to purchase some much-needed trainers (my old ones are now letting in too much water to be wearable). After looking in all the shoe shops on Neal Street, a quick consultation with Tigger was all it took to decide my dream pair of shoes: deep-red and white Onitsuka Tiger jobbies, which we reckoned to be some kind of golf shoes. With a little research this morning, I found out that they are part of the Mexico 66 range, but don't seem to be displayed on the site in the right colour.

After a quick bite in nearby Food For Thought, Tigger and I headed straight to the Asylum to meet friends ready for the evening's events. We were surprised to find no DJs there and the barman asked if we knew where the Cartel were. When they finally turned up the bastardry commenced and soon the top billed DJs hit the decks: Eddy Temple-Morris and James Hyman who present The Remix every Friday night on Xfm. Unfortunately this seemed to be a display of virtuosic turntable high-jinks and mixing, rather than the bootleg-fest we've come to expect. The dancing was a little cautious, but perked up each time a true boot was played. The entrance of Barba Rei, parading a giant cardboard robot (with flashing LED eyes!) brought the atmosphere up to fever pitch. Soon the amassed throng revelled in SARS protection masks, threw up bundles of old Soviet roubles and waved red May Day banners. Many of those present have already hailed this as the supreme exposition of Barba Rei's art thus far.

The party had truly arrived and got bop-alicious when Churchill took to the stage and began his storming bAsTaRd debut set. He began with a perky signature track: the theme from The Great Escape, overlaid with famous snippets from Churchill speeches and a sprightly drum-beat. My favourite track of his set was probably Groovy Movin', a mash up of The Farm's Groovy Train with Body Movin' by The Beastie Boys. Afterwards I managed to procure one of his CDs but didn't get one of the T-shirts thrown into the crowd. The Cartel came on again and Tigger left, as did I some 20 minutes later.

I awoke early with no hangover and got into work with plenty of time to spare - which I used contructively of course: I was able to trawl the mailbox archives again and came up with this from September 2002:




Excretia

making your movements quicker


We feel it's time for a change.
It has long been recognised that the London Underground infrastructure is in need of massive investment. So we've decided to blackmail lots of fat cat city firms into paying us to get their workers in on time. The Pubic-Privates-Partnership scheme is designed to empower the everyday London commuter. No longer will they suffer hours of BO inhalation and who knows, they might even get to work on time. Without suffocation, dehydration or micturation.

To complement this new direction, we feel it necessary to assume a more corporate identity. Gone are the days of the unfeeling faceless nanny-state institution. We want to bring ourselves closer to the fundamental needs of the whole community. That is why we have opted for a bright, positive name change to reflect our current mood of unfounded optimism, out-of-the-box thinking and envelope-pushing innovation.

Why Excretia?

Like many other firms, we have decided to change our letterheads and pay a consultancy firm to come up with a made-up word. Other examples, such as Diageo, Permira, O2 and QimFlapz have highlighted the increased consumer empathy that such a change can miraculously bring. With our new corporate bankroll, we paid for a team of crack etymologists to invent a piece of pseudo-linguified scat for just this purpose.
The ex- part is from Latin and expresses "from" or "out of" and -cre- comes the Latin word credo meaning "belief". With this powerful linguistic combination, we nutshellify what we are all about. A company deeply rooted in its beliefs, yet willing to reach out and embrace the public. The -tia bit was included to add a final Latin flourish. It also reminds us of our favourite liqueur, Tia Maria.

Excretia - our name may have changed but we haven't


This is a type of satirical writing I haven't engaged in for ages, but I still think it makes sense. I seem to remember my Dad finding it funny at the time, but he's no general arbitor of humour and taste. Usually a single lame fart/knob gag is enough to set him off. Doubtless the name of this local councillor would bring the old man to tears...

Anyway, it's time I returned to my remaining hour of work for today. Then it's yippee-yi-yay for another Bank Holiday Weekend, packed with gardening, rehearsals and a tea party chez Hypatia.

01 May 2003

:: Everything Must Go! ::

Erm, yes. Got into work to discover that not only was I about to finish my latest project (deadline a week tomorrow - looking at too many websites at work? - Pah!), but that my boss is away this afternoon and tomorrow. He's given me a hilariously small number of tasks to complete before Tuesday morning, so normal blog service is resumed for the time being.

One advantage of finishing things off earlier than expected was that I managed to deal adequately with my burgeoning inbox. For several days, I've been receiving ominous warnings about exceeding my email storage capacity etc. I also trawled through a whole load of stuff I sent out in happier, less overworked times. I'll present the cream of the crop over the next few days.

To start us off, when I was helping out with a production of Chekhov's Three Sisters, a friend emailed me to ask what the plot was. I embellished the story a bit to see if he could be persuaded to come. In the end he didn't...

Masha, Irina and Olga are three lesbitarian Russian sisters who live in the country, serve large helpings of hairy pie to members of the local community and dream of moving to Moscow, where they grew up.

On discovering that their brother, Andrei, is about to marry Natasha, the 19th century Russian equivalent of a page 3 girl, they all gasp with pleasure at the newfound domestic possibilities.

Masha is married to a boring old schoolteacher, Kulygin, whose sole pleasure involves some slick manoeuvres with a novelty snuff-box. Olga and Irina (though she is smitten with a well-meaning but ugly army officer) hark on about Moscow whilst pissing into the samovar to poison the houseguests.

Anfisa the maid witnesses these tame watersports and "dives in", livening the atmosphere somewhat by simultaneously performing a double fisting and warbling the Volga boat song.

Andrei and the other men begin to suspect that all is not right in the house, especially when his wife embarks on an affair with a local councillor, Protopopov, who is never seen on stage.

Masha falls in love with another officer stationed in the town, Vershinin. well-meaning and broadminded, he introduces her to the concepts of glory holes and bukkake.

Three burning questions remain for the exhausted sisters:

Is Natasha's bit on the side really a woman?
Did the steam from the samovar do any damage?
Is the seemingly unreachable Moscow a metaphor for Lesbotic Elysium?

Find out in next week's installment



Even the prospect of hot Russian lesbian action à la t.A.T.u. couldn't persuade this colleague to watch the play. Which brings me on to the saddest news of the day... The Sapphic Slavic popstrels have had to cancel their gigs and their management is now apparently being sued. Hilariously, they are alleged to have demanded 300 school-uniformed girls under the age of sixteen to appear at each performance...maybe there's something suspicious about t.A.T.u's management team.

I'm not saying anything, but this old gag from the archives might have soemthing to do with it:

- The makers of Adobe Acrobat are in trouble under child sex laws...
...they are accused of creating too many pdf. files


Time to check out the Brass Eye DVD again, "before this quadrospazzed loony wrongcocks another helpless kiddie..."

Oh, and it's this again tonight:

Car-Marr Superstar...