:: bAsTaRd and More Clippings From The Cutting Room Floor (of my mailbox) ::

And plundering from b3ta as usual...

First up is a quick resumé of yesterday's activities. Running out of the office at 5.31pm, I headed to Charing Cross Road in hope of buying a tin whistle. The shop in question appeared to be closed in case of problems with May Day protesters, and I wondered if carrying a bag emblazoned with "Retail Therapy" past hoards of anti-capitalists was such a good idea. Fortunately I didn't get lynched as I made my way to Covent Garden to purchase some much-needed trainers (my old ones are now letting in too much water to be wearable). After looking in all the shoe shops on Neal Street, a quick consultation with Tigger was all it took to decide my dream pair of shoes: deep-red and white Onitsuka Tiger jobbies, which we reckoned to be some kind of golf shoes. With a little research this morning, I found out that they are part of the Mexico 66 range, but don't seem to be displayed on the site in the right colour.

After a quick bite in nearby Food For Thought, Tigger and I headed straight to the Asylum to meet friends ready for the evening's events. We were surprised to find no DJs there and the barman asked if we knew where the Cartel were. When they finally turned up the bastardry commenced and soon the top billed DJs hit the decks: Eddy Temple-Morris and James Hyman who present The Remix every Friday night on Xfm. Unfortunately this seemed to be a display of virtuosic turntable high-jinks and mixing, rather than the bootleg-fest we've come to expect. The dancing was a little cautious, but perked up each time a true boot was played. The entrance of Barba Rei, parading a giant cardboard robot (with flashing LED eyes!) brought the atmosphere up to fever pitch. Soon the amassed throng revelled in SARS protection masks, threw up bundles of old Soviet roubles and waved red May Day banners. Many of those present have already hailed this as the supreme exposition of Barba Rei's art thus far.

The party had truly arrived and got bop-alicious when Churchill took to the stage and began his storming bAsTaRd debut set. He began with a perky signature track: the theme from The Great Escape, overlaid with famous snippets from Churchill speeches and a sprightly drum-beat. My favourite track of his set was probably Groovy Movin', a mash up of The Farm's Groovy Train with Body Movin' by The Beastie Boys. Afterwards I managed to procure one of his CDs but didn't get one of the T-shirts thrown into the crowd. The Cartel came on again and Tigger left, as did I some 20 minutes later.

I awoke early with no hangover and got into work with plenty of time to spare - which I used contructively of course: I was able to trawl the mailbox archives again and came up with this from September 2002:

Excretia
making your movements quicker
We feel it's time for a change. It has long been recognised that the London Underground infrastructure is in need of massive investment. So we've decided to blackmail lots of fat cat city firms into paying us to get their workers in on time. The Pubic-Privates-Partnership scheme is designed to empower the everyday London commuter. No longer will they suffer hours of BO inhalation and who knows, they might even get to work on time. Without suffocation, dehydration or micturation. To complement this new direction, we feel it necessary to assume a more corporate identity. Gone are the days of the unfeeling faceless nanny-state institution. We want to bring ourselves closer to the fundamental needs of the whole community. That is why we have opted for a bright, positive name change to reflect our current mood of unfounded optimism, out-of-the-box thinking and envelope-pushing innovation. Why Excretia? Like many other firms, we have decided to change our letterheads and pay a consultancy firm to come up with a made-up word. Other examples, such as Diageo, Permira, O2 and QimFlapz have highlighted the increased consumer empathy that such a change can miraculously bring. With our new corporate bankroll, we paid for a team of crack etymologists to invent a piece of pseudo-linguified scat for just this purpose. The ex- part is from Latin and expresses "from" or "out of" and -cre- comes the Latin word credo meaning "belief". With this powerful linguistic combination, we nutshellify what we are all about. A company deeply rooted in its beliefs, yet willing to reach out and embrace the public. The -tia bit was included to add a final Latin flourish. It also reminds us of our favourite liqueur, Tia Maria. Excretia - our name may have changed but we haven't

This is a type of satirical writing I haven't engaged in for ages, but I still think it makes sense. I seem to remember my Dad finding it funny at the time, but he's no general arbitor of humour and taste. Usually a single lame fart/knob gag is enough to set him off. Doubtless the name of this local councillor would bring the old man to tears...

Anyway, it's time I returned to my remaining hour of work for today. Then it's yippee-yi-yay for another Bank Holiday Weekend, packed with gardening, rehearsals and a tea party chez Hypatia.