:: Stinky Friday Update ::

Ananova seems to be obsessed with odours today. First they reported a New Zealand motorist whose driving test was cancelled due to his smelly car. As if dog-stench wasn't bad enough, those "ker-razy" newshounds then went on to describe the New York teacher who deodorised a foul-smelling pupil.

Have these people got nothing better to report?

Somehow reading about such putrefaction makes me want to go and buy some intensely smelly cheese. Anyone for vacherin?

:: Linguistic Malarkey ::

In what has become a regular series, I bring to you the latest bizarre search term which found this site. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

graham norton chocolate portrait

As usual I'm a bit perplexed and amused. What was the person searching for? I know exactly why that combination flagged my particular blog (I've referred on separate occasions to Graham Norton's show and a chocolate portrait of Vladimir Putin), but am at a loss to guess what the googler was hoping to find.

Ever the inquisitive soul, I entered the most random collection of English words I could think of on the spot. venus splurge kumquat gave a spectaularly disappointing return (only three sites found when I last checked). I had expected a plethora of lexicological sites and the odd bit of lesbo-citrus-porn. Nevertheless, it appears that somebody's stream of unconsciousness matches my own. This piece of unmitigated shite sounds like me after substantial quantities of gin and tonic.

And that dovetails delightfully into my final point. Hypatia and I met last night to imbibe some of the aforementioned beverage. A very pleasant time was had by both, although not enough was consumed to induce that kind of babble-bollox.

:: Dramarama - Dodgy Karma ::

So frantic have my preparations been for Shakers Re-Stirred Revived that I've had little time to concentrate on matters blog. After a meeting with the landlord of the pub where we're hoping to stage it, I got a call from one of the actresses. She pulled out making the projected January production less likely. However, good news arrived today - we may have found a new Adele. She's seen the play before and works with one of the others. Fingers crossed... What with another 2 plays currently in production and Amadeus in the pipeline for June, our drama group is committed to a hell of a lot. So throwing yet another thing at them might cause a ruckus. A long grovelling phonecall to the Chairman awaits...

Despite my recent lack of presence on the blog front, others have quietly joined our world of cyber-journals. It has come to my attention that Wideboy is now a web fixture. What's more, the work-shy blighter appears to have nothing better to do than update it every single day. I hope his bosses are more lenient than this poor chap's: he got the sack for posting a compromising photo on his blog. Don't worry, it's not as exciting as it sounds - it appears that most firings are rather prosaic after all.

The inability to restrict a blog's readership is both a joy and hazard of this ubiquitous form of self-promotion. Blogger now even provides advice on what to do if your mum discovers your blog...

Christmas is fast approaching and whilst I haven't even considered what presents to buy people, the thought of making decorations has already crossed my mind. How about a few of these? Click on the pic for instructions:

And finally... after days of obnoxious precipitation, delayed trains and soggy hoodies, the weather has cleared up. Although this has provided useful information regarding which of my shoes are still waterproof (poor Tigger had to play dodge-the-puddle last night, in a vain attempt to keep the tootsies dry), I haven't resolved the umbrella dilemma. As a general rule, I loathe these mechanical toadstools and their propensity for blinding passers-by. However, a recent soaking at one of Network Rail's less watertight establishments may have convinced me that resitance is futile. It was therefore with some relief that I witnessed this happy chap smiling across Clerkenwell's grimy brickwork this afternoon:

:: Saw It Coming ::

As Georgie Porgie prepares to leave our drizzly shores, I notice that amongst the flurry of news items about anti-War protests, horrific bomb attacks in Turkey and improvements in Dubya's public speaking, one hot story has been glaringly overlooked. except by the Grauniad, whose reporters today breathlessly exclaimed Hoxton's Had It. Tigger will be gloating in her legwarmers as this is a constant gripe of ours. The Hoxton Fin's begun to droop and the odious Shoreditch Mullet has lost its ironic edge (did it ever have one?).

Another sneaking suspicion comes to fruition: After the success of the Indy's alternative tabloid format, the Times has decided to follow suit. What will this be like, I wonder. Gut instinct tells me it will look something like this, with plenty of adverts for Sky and Twentieth Century Fox... Plus ça change.

And finally, thanks to Popbitch's very own Reverand Goatboy, here's a touching little picture to sign off:

Ta-rah!

:: Work-Related Minimalism ::

Not a proper post as such. I was trawling though Kraft's recipe pages and found this. The user comment at the bottom says it all...

:: Branding Goes Bonkers ::

Hot on the heels of yesterday's news that Sharwoods are to launch a new curry sauce which translates literally as "arse" in Punjabi came an even more bemusing story. The authors of a website designed to generate new corporate names (see rants passim on Diageo etc.) have seen some of their latinate dollops of bullshit snapped up and registered by genuine companies. By the way, The Sun, known for paying large amounts of money to their headline pun-meisters, should sack whoever came up with this lame effort on the curry story...

Still on the theme of image, Phoney Tony dropped a bit of a clanger last week. His endorsement of The Darkness should ensure that the popularity of the lycra-clad grunge-trolls from Lowestoft plummets through the floor. I suppose this is one Blairite policy I might grudgingly have to support...

And finally, as Britain prepares for the arrival of the fêted prize-chimp, let's have a sneaky peek at the way the Russians deal with their leaders. Well... this company is apparently producing a life-sized chocolate portrait of Vladimir Putin (at the astonishing cost of £400). Whilst the iconography of political figures within a young democracy might be a cause for concern, the opportunity of melting a portrait of a "beloved leader" almost justifies the expense. Perhaps Tony Blair Easter Eggs will be popular next year...

:: Wake It Up In You ::

Before you ask, I haven't been plundering Graham Norton's Rude Food Page. The fabulously named "Erektus" is an energy drink from the Czech Republic. It's made by a company which also manufactures Semtex, apparently (advertised with an amusing Matrix rip-off commercial)...

Ah well, Gawain J got back from his oriental travels yesterday, laden with expensive purchases (a new laptop) and freebies (a rather fetching yukata which appears to have filched from the hotel). Nice to have the grumpy old bastard back, though - he gave me a lift into work this morning! Unfortunately, this meant I got to the office at... 8.15am! ...which is probably why I feel like I've been here for at least 72 hours non-stop. No such luxury on the way home, though - I'll just have to make do with the dreary commute like everyone else.

:: Wiz zis Rocher, your are rilly spoling uzz! ::

Well... The Ambassador's Reception went somewhat swimmingly. I was very pleased with the large percentage of guests in costume - less so with the notable absences (Wilverine et al). Hypatia and Taxloss were resplendant in national dress and nearly upstaged my plum-coloured velvet jacket. I'm looking forward to seeing the photos. Fortunately Tigger stayed over to help with the clear-up, so there's just a bit of hoovering left to do when I get home tonight...

Work-wise, everything's much the same. The latest inspirational project is Soft Drinks, which has provided a couple of unexpected laughs. Wild Cherry Pepsi's web site implores you to "check out the cherry" in its excitingly repackaged tooth-rot. Prize for the most audaciously inappropriate slogan must go to the astonishing Mountain Dew Code Red. Along with the execrable radioactive kiddie-poison Pepsi Blue, this was a must-have sample for me to bring back to the office from the US in March. Strangely enough, I didn't manage to offload even half of either 20oz bottle of additive-laden concoction on my colleagues. And yet, dear reader, the makers of Mountain Dew Code Red choose to advertise said product thus - "A Sensation As Real As The Streets". Pass me the sick bag...

Whilst I have a penchant for a can of full fat Coke after a night on the sauce, I would say that I'm not the world's biggest soda-freak. However, for posh refreshment. I would certainly recommend Fentimans Ginger Beer and other "real soft drinks". Otherwise, you might as well just stick to water...

With the gutter (and other) press spewing out reams on "that allegation they're not allowed to tell us", it has become more difficult to find stories of note which don't relate to the question "Does Chuck Bum Men?" Surprisingly enough, I couldn't give a flying fuck. He's really not my type. However, I did discover that there might be a (serious) plan afoot to ban public snogging in Moscow and that the Baghdad Blogger's video diary is set to be shown on Newsnight tonight

Woo-Yay! The irrepressible b3tans have compiled a fab list of Real People With Unfortunate Names. And I've mysteriously managed to begin each paragraph of this post with the letter "w"...

:: "Take me to the core of the Big Apple so I can spit out the Pips" ::

The spirit of Alan Partridge is alive and well. As Jude and I finlly booked our New Year tickets to visit L Russe Bezuhoff over the pond, those words of East Anglia's favourite toblerone-addicted broadcaster rang in my ears. Whilst we're unlikely to be needing directions to Bloomingdales, the warm winter woollies will be a definite must-have (I need to buy a muff!). It was parky enough when I last visited Bezuhoff in March.

Well the planned return to the social whirl has been erratic to say the least. A succession of damp squibs (no music at Wideboy's party; early doors for Dorset Diver and no tickets left for last night's film) has made for a frustrating time. Let's hope that tomorrow's bAsTaRd lives up to expectations. Here's the flyer, as ever:

Since i can't be faffing about with news at this hour, I'm sure you'll all be a little miffed. No really. At least with the aid of the swearasaurus, you'll be able to insult me in almost any language...

And how could I forget? It's Bonfire Night tonight. As ever I haven't planned anything in particular so will probably go home, have something to eat and fall asleep in front of the TV. At least those boys at b3ta have been making a special effort

And finally, in what is now becoming a regular feature, here are two more random search terms that came up with this site:
• asphyxiating russian ark
• "ferrero rocher" video ambassador's party

...which reminds me - have you booked your place at the Ambassador's reception on Saturday?!

And (as the be-pringled goon would have it) on that bombshell...