:: "I'm Bringing Red Wine & Metaxa" ::

Well... I've been invited to dinner chez Taxloss and Hypatia. The above exposition of generosity was met with the mildly defeatest text response from Taxloss: "Oh blimey. Ok then". Fear not, dear heart! Although not completely a joke, the bottle of Metaxa about to gurgle its way to Taxloss Towers is a mere 200ml. That should provide us with a decent snifter each and nothing more...

On to more pressing items. Today's multi-segmented news review starts off with :: Politics :: - a rare occurrence! Salem Pax (aka the Baghdad Blogger), whose posts I've been reading since before the Iraq War, is in London. His report in the Guardian on the Hutton Enquiry and recent parliamentary questions on Iraq has made timely and engaging reading. The most telling quote is:

"...being an Iraqi and seeing that and the bit of the Hutton Inquiry yesterday, is quite strange. It is like listening to your parents discuss how they should bring you up; it is your life, but you are not making the decisions."

It has also emerged that everyone's favourite purjuror and schlockmeister, Jeffrey Archer might yet be bundled out of the House of Lords. The only objection I have to this is that it is likely to leave him with more time to write "novels".

Moving on swiftly to :: International News :: As a welcome addition to the range of hearty fare on offer at this year's Oktoberfest, a German butcher has invented a power sausage. I was slightly disgruntled to discover that this was nothing more than a wurst with added caffeine, but amused by the name nonetheless. Regular readers may have noticed this is not the first time innappropriate sausage translations have tickled my fancy...

:: Society :: The heartwarming tale of Julie Walters doing a gritty northern accent and bearing in another Britflick has also "captured the imagination". Not mine you understand, but that of my sometime alter-ego, Vanessa Feltz. Let me explain: the overbearing ex-talkshow hussy has fronted a competition for people inspired by "hit-movie" Calendar Girls. The bint has simultaneously managed to revolt the nation (not for the first time I fear) with pictures of amateur soft-porners and desecrate the name of my ex-College magazine. Uplifted by the WI strip-off of 1999, we strapping students decided to replicate their cunning stunt a year on. Sold entirely for profit, the calendars presented a tasteful tableau of each of the more illustrious subjects (Modern Languages was particularly popular). I call on you all to boycott this fetid frenzy of lust (but only after you've had a quick peek at the gormless gonks who've posted their cheeky pic on a national website).

If that wasn't enough to induce vomiting, perhaps your personality is defective. Luckily my new :: Self-Help :: section promises to diagnose and treat the wort affected. Yes, it's Dr Kennedy's Personality Quiz!

It just remains for me to remind those non-b3tans amongst you that tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Eye-patches at the ready: