:: John Craven's Newsround ::

Badger impersonator John Craven brought us bite-sized chunks of newsiage in his eponymous Children's BBC slot during my youth. I remember well the 80s title sequence: pulsating music and letter blocks colloding centre-screen (with a satisfying lightning bolt at each impact), finally coming together to spell "Newsround".

TV cream also provides a succinct write-up on this page. Long since replaced by glammed up twenty-somethings and sexy graphics, Craven can now be found presenting the much more sedate Countryfile a gentle Sunday morning ramble through rural concerns which I'm unlikely to see unless waiting for the 'Enders omnibus in a hungover stupor.

Naturally, this brief delve into wanton nostalgia has a vague purpose: I'm going to give you a news round-up of the past few days' events, whether you like it or not...

  • First up is :: Me News ::. This is a slight chapter to add to the Devukha events tome. A trip to a mate's gig on Friday with Blondinka B was followed by rehearsals on Saturday afternoon. However, on arriving home from leafy Peckham I discovered that Hypatia had texted to ask if I wanted to see her and Red Rum/Taxloss that evening. After the previous weekend's crushing disappointment, when, freed from my social shackles I failed to catch up with the bitches, who were in Amsterdam, anticipation crackled through my brain. Everything nearly went awry when the cashpoints of Brixton told me my card was "unreadable". A further disturbing point on the faulty cashpoint scenario was that as a group we were warned off using two separate machines because both appeared to dispense less than you asked for... Kindly couple that they are, Hyp and RR subbed me a few pints and we had a good old natter. Sunday brought no surprises: I was expected at my great uncle's 80th birthday celebration; I duly went. And I've spent most of today in the inevitable wrangle between my requirement for sleep and the need to spellcheck numerous spazmo brands of fermented sauces.
  • In :: International News ::, I bring you the supreme white-trash have-a-go hero: McDonald's Hold-up Thwarted By Tray-Wielding Biker. My instant reaction was to laugh - not at the slapstick antics but at how the guy claimed to fend off the felon with his "profane language". Thoughtful Japanese transport bosses are trying to think of ways to make wearing a kimono more comfortable when getting about. This all seems a little strange when the operators of the bullet train notoriously employ "stuffers" to force extra people into each carriage. Oh and in case you didn't know, German ist sexy.
  • The final section is :: The Most Predictable News Item That You Can't Believe Hasn't Yet Been Mentioned On Devukha's Blog ::. Yup, it's "chirpy" old David Blaine, suspended halfway between postmodern window-cleaner and medieval torture chamber victim near Tower Bridge. Although the prospect of him shitting into a nappy as the Mayor peers out of his office amuses me highly, I can't say I'm particularly overwhelmed. For one, I've been unable to watch Channel 4 recently as the monotone drone of his self-promotional piece has been shown to saturation point. He was pelted with eggs at the weekend and I wonder how long he can hold out before someone entices him out with the smell of frying bacon. Needless to say, the opinion boards have been full of this gubbins, which is probably just as well - otherwise we'd all have to talk about our Great Uncle's Birthday.